There are sometimes events just call to us as a form of overall synchronization and fulfillment of our life dream and the reasons seem clear upon reflection. I have had one such experience recently that I wanted to share because it helped me find deep healing (in case there is a benefit in it for you too.
Backstory:
First I need to explain a little backstory to you. As a form of meditative healing, I often create collages and while creating them I dream about what beautiful things I would like to see, feel in my life in the future. I believe that this is very healing because it brings much blessing in. happening in my life. This past autumn I created the below collage to try to convey the feelings I wanted to get from my ideal life work and calling. The text says "to feel like an artist, sun-kissed. Radiant, delighted, sublime unity.
The Healing as Witnessed in Synchronicity:
I recently wrote to a local energy healer in the community to seek employment through her private practice. She worked at the time as an entrepreneur providing 'Healing Touch' as a way of helping to heal people energetically. I met her a long time ago when she offered a free healing sessions, but I didn't realize this when I connected with her. Regardless, she contacted me some time after I contacted her to let me know that a local church had an administrative opening. This felt utterly perfect to me!
Within the weeks surrounding this interaction, I lost the use of my vehicle due to mechanical failures and I had to rely on walking quite a bit. I was also struggling with adequate self-employment and had hit a very painful dry streak. Poverty ran through my veins and oozed through my pores and I started to re-evaluate my life to create better clarity.
Cleansing Changes:
These changes were very humbling to me, but to be honest they were also cleansing to me in a sense. I realized through that experience that people still want to help me and surround me in embrace even if I am limited in my capacity to reciprocate. I also realized that as long as I can be mobile on my feet i can get where I need. These changes prompted me to want to work within comfortable walking distance from home.
I had also been spiritually seeking and had no idea where I was going to get the kind of spiritual experience that spoke to me. I thought that there was a regional void in the type of spiritual healing that I sought. Then suddenly it all came together when she invited me to come to the 'Unity Church' just two blocks from my home for an interview and a service! It was so utterly healing for me to be embraced, invited, blessed deeply by this radiant group of people when I went to meet for a service.
Then, just the other day I was working on gathering all of my artwork to use to create healing decks of cards and I found the above image. In the bottom left corner I saw the symbol for the Unity church! Funny, I had meant to use the word 'unity' in the literal context to mean that in my career I would come into wholeness rather than the typical fragmented, disparate way I normally went about things. I would love it if I were chosen for the job at the church, but I also recognize the universe has a sense of humor, because there is the church symbol on my vision board as clear as day! Now, I haven't landed a 'job' yet from the church, but I do realize that there is a platform now available for me to work on my spirituality and retain that sense of equilibrium. Truly, it blesses me either way!
Have you ever had any signs of symbiosis and synchronicity that you want to share? I would love to hear about them in the comments below! Thank you for reading!
Grandma had a prayerful way about her and she would designate certain actions which served as a sort of living prayer. In times of worry, anxiety or trials she would do certain things that would help her and all of us in alleviating our anxiety. For example, when a family member was ill or a threatening spring storm was approaching (or anything frightening or worrisome enough to substantiate action), she would say a relevant prayer while lighting a special religious vigil candle. Then, from the candle she would also light a palm (like the palms that Catholics receive on Palm Sunday) and she would let it burn just enough that as it smoldered, a touch of symbolic fragrance was emitted.
Then after she did that we would be illuminated by the flickering candle light and surrounded by the smell of the fragrance all around us. In those moment together we could all tell we were holding a sense of sacred peace among us. something of significant importance in our hearts and minds. It was a reminder to us that the prayer was activated and the sign of hope lingered among us. It brought us such a sense of relief to feel that this very small action plus the hope in our hearts can put us into such peace. I guess through that faith that this was all the action needed helped us, beyond those actions to surrender.
When there is much to focus on and life feels that it is pressing in I hope there are always ways each of us can find to feel that safety of embrace. Are there certain special things that work for you? I'd love to hear about your calming and soothing practices in the comments below!!
Sometimes inspired living begins with the formation of a beautiful life dream, a preparatory sort of energetic awakening. Within each of us is this delicate inner spark that has to be sheltered as it is lit and then nurtured, sometimes tenderly and sometimes vigorously until it is a substantial enough flame to act as a beacon to light the way. To work to form this life dream, I ran across a beautiful activity that a fellow inspiring entrepreneur named Louise Cartwright shared on her lovely website of inspiration through activities, video links and uplifting writings.
While on her page, I found an activity that pertained to creating vision boards. Vision boards are essentially an assembled collection of images that create an emotionally charged narrative of your dreams. By feeling 'called' to different pieces by our emotional attractions we build the story of our dream and we watch it unfold intuitively. You can find Louise Cartwright's website link HERE if you also wanted to also peruse her activities and gain heavenly inspiration.
After trying the vision board activity, I created a lovely narrative of the most gorgeous vision that I hope will guide my new employment pathways. I felt that as I completed this activity, the calling to be a writer reflected back to me. I love to take in what I witness in lived moments, reflect privately and process my interpretation until I come away with a succinct messages. This process is also healing, which also mean a great deal to me. I love it when I feel affirmed and blessed in this way!
Below is the beautifully inspiring writing (very poetic in nature). I hope as you drink in the narrative of these emotions stirring in me it will stir something lovely in you as well!:
The beautiful vision:
To be called into the warm clean crisp water for a swim is so enticing! The scattered tropical sea, let me be a part of your waves before the day ebbs away, giving way to a cozy evening. Elegantly and fancifully reaching with grace to the stars while the sea stands swirling beneath. Unabashedly and authentically gorgeous feelings of overt trust that it is OK to steal many moments of tranquility among these timeless honoring connections, even in a state of grief laden frailty.
Oh the call of freedom to travel and witness the wide natural world fearlessly, breathing in the vast expanses and emoting over the colorful visions of starry wonder and fairy-like curiosity. Dreaming the fanciful dream and the breathtaking splendor of the earth. Lending oneself to the desire to be amidst and counted among such beauty. To play and rest and daydream freely and witness the subtleties of the calm and the storm, the night and the day, the shadow and the light inter-playing while in a perpetually warm and secure embrace that all will be OK.
Knowing for a space that it is OK to be wild like a stallion running free, using ones capacity at full throttle and stretching out one's limbs powerfully and wholly in an effort to live authentically free. Perpetually invited in like fire-flight fairies dancing at dusk, warm and safe in encampments of solitude knowing that all is OK with the world. The vivacity of spirit that resonates within beheld as vibrantly precious beauty. Trusting in one's worth, baring ourselves to the warmth of the fire and the freedom of loving and embracing our physicality. Dancing warm and safe, admired and embraced by the flame.
Knowing the subtle excitement of tumult and imminent passage of day to evening, abiding the tides of the sloshing and bubbly sea and expressing the poesis through the well spoken phrases emerging. Reminded of our unrecognized beauty without the accoutrements of pride weighing down this fresh and unspoken splendor. To know the feeling of being grounded and safe and sure in immobility against the inconsequentially raging winds. Supported in our living integrity amidst the the breezy freshness of a blustery day while allowing our hearts and minds carried away in our dreams.
Letting go and trusting that life and goodness and love will prevail even when we know the something within we are setting adrift to the winds of hopeful fate is fragile and vulnerable. Knowing freedom means letting go of the interpretation of others judging from the basis of their life dreams. Allowing ourselves to shake off the control of their interpretations so we can wholly live the authentic life of our dreams. Freedom to BE in enticing and elegant simplicity. Upholding mightily the internal capacity to create something utterly dreamy while also feeling safely grounded in supported sustainability and endearingly gentle reciprocally.
Giving forth and drinking in nearly unimaginable beauty and weeping in gratitude over such magically mesmerizing moments of life by simply surrendering to witness in subtlety how they speak. Fairy-tale life landscapes drawing forth the delicacy of a dream, potently enlivened and awakening through inner empowering, all in a space of safety and ease. Abundance during preparation while heartily and thoughtfully creating a magic unconditional embrace of nurturing and fulfilling certainty and ease, comfy light and confidence healed.
Hope this sharing inspired you as it also inspired me <3 I also have a crowdfunding site out there to raise money to have the time to set aside to work on a book of memories of my time with my recently departed Grandma Mary. If you want to contribute to pre-sales of the book or to check out what I am up to you can find the link HERE. Ty and 'be blessed in your reality'
I realized that because life moved so fast and I was churning amidst many life changes (and much grief), I never got to share the content of my studies from the Thanatology master's degree, which I wrapped up in May of last year. It felt like the right time to share this recent academic work, since it is an extension of the book I am writing for Grandma.
Why I am now sharing this work:
I started to feel that if I shared this very heart rending work, people who are following the journey of me creating my book would be able to better understand the journey and the content of my inner heart as I write a book about Grandma. Throughout the Thanatology studies I was moved and moved and moved emotionally and spiritually beyond the boundaries of where I thought I could go. Thanatology is the study of death and dying and I read so many touching personal stories of loss and grief and I learned so many practical things about the pathological process of dying that I thought I would fall to pieces.
After having begun studying in the Thanatology degree program, I realized that if I didn't form my own ways of coping with the constant reminder that death is imminent, guaranteed and that all things will end, I would struggle immensely. I found many ways to cope with this information through the use of expressive and therapeutic arts and of course through my own transforming sense of spirituality. I found that as I was anticipating losses in my life, which I knew were going to rock my very foundation, that I needed to find ways to walk through the journey. I chose to try many things including using intuitive drawing and painting techniques, walking through labyrinths at local churches and parks, writing poems and journal entries that contained both images and writing (which is called visual journaling), I even tried a vision walk, which was modeled after the spiritual coming of age work of Native American people.
The research method I used:
The research method I used throughout the process of completing my capstone for the Thanatology degree was called a/r/tography. This very loose and intuitive research method basically involved trying different ways of making art in order to express oneself then documenting the process and reflecting on the product. The idea was to learn something about the way each method works, the value of each method and the benefits and challenges involved in each process. At the end of the research process one is perhaps better equipped to teach the art making methods to others because they have stepped through the process themselves directly and have some personal insights to share with people who are starting the process for the first time. It is a process of first actively creating while actively reflecting on process and then reflecting on the outcome. Finally the idea is to open oneself up to sharing and teaching the process in the end.
Because my research involved finding ways to cope with anticipatory grief and traditional grief using various art methods and then teaching others how it works, I got very immersed in the process. I made much art using intuitive drawing, painting, poetry writing, visual journal entries, labyrinth walks etc. When I was all finished I still felt I had to find a way to share what I encountered in some way that would speak to people. So, I took all of the art and writings and I made videos combining them. I used a text reader to read my poetry and journal entries while the images were shown in the background of the videos.
I hope that in sharing these videos I created during those master degree studies, you will come to see that I have a sense of the work I performed to obtain my degree. I hope it also provides you with insights into who I am as an expressive artist, nature lover, author and as a human being.
A quick warning, these videos can be triggering:
I want you to know before I begin, that this is very intimate sharing and it can be triggering and emotionally moving. Because this was personalized grief work, I was trying to pour forth my heart very purely and with great abandon during this process.
Grandma video:
Here I shared the favorite memories I held of my Grandma and the artwork and writings I shaped into a video as she declined in health and vitality. She died after I completed my Thanatology degree so this work only pertained to me anticipating her loss. This video is very emotive and moving.
Our dear cat Piglet:
Because Piglet was my cat for 15 years and my dear companion through many life struggles, this video contains narrative and imagery I created during his health decline and his passing. It is very heart-rending. I really poured my heart out over his passing. I was very close to my little Piglet kitty as I think this video illustrates...
My boyfriend's dear Dad:
Because my boyfriend's dad died very quickly and with little warning, much of my thoughts images and feelings were wrapped up in the moment to moment medical issues that kept arising and how shocking it was for all of us to move through that roller coaster. That is what this video contains--snippets of that journey and how we attempted to cope.
At the time, my boyfriend and I were still shell shocked at the time over the loss of our cat 'Piglet' and honestly we were sort of in a daze. I wish I would have poured more heartfelt messages in this one, but I captured the true moments that I documented of his loss. I think that Grandma's book is opening the door for me to do more reflecting and sharing of the love I have felt for others who I have lost along the way. He died a little over two years ago and it is still a fresh wound.
Visual journaling through grief:
As I said earlier, visual journaling is the process of creating personal diaries or journals that also contain imagery along with the words or text. The idea is that we are sometimes better able to articulate our feelings and thoughts through either writing or drawing. Therefore, when we allow ourselves to have access to using both when journaling, then we can free to use both sides of our creative selves. Sometimes when there are no words that can capture what is going on inside and vice versa. This video is poetic and the narrative reads the content of the text on each image as I experienced and moved through grief.
Native American 'Vision Walk' as a way of moving through grief:
I learned about the process of 'Vision Walks' from an author named Brandt Morgan who gave me permission to use the work of his vision walk in any way that I thought might benefit others. Vision walks are similar to vision quests that Native American people move through when they are coming of age and coming to know who they are and their place in their tribe.
I believe that this is a way of getting to know how we connect to spirit, or God or the Universe or whatever higher power that each person believes in individually. It is an act of opening up one's heart, asking a question of that higher power and then letting the answers appear by moving intuitively and letting our lived experiences guide our understanding.
It is a bit like prayer where we ask of our higher power and then let our hearts guide the way to the answer.
Eco-art is short for 'Ecopsychology Art'. Ecopsychology is the study of trying to find ways for humans to regain a loving and intimate connection to the earth and to see that we are connected to the organic parts of life in sometimes very special ways. The belief behind Ecopsychology is that when we come to interact with nature in positive ways that take into consideration how our actions impact nature we start to feel less alone and more connected to other forms of life. Bonds are created.
Eco-art also encourages people to create art by using one's senses and incorporating them into the intuitive art making process. Sometimes nature can teach us things if we settle in and contemplate on the wisdom of a tree or the courage of a migratory bird for example, even if what we learn is metaphorical! I share here my reflections after trying an eco-art activity crated by an Ecopsychologist, the late 'Theresa Sweeney, PhD' who created a whole book of Eco-art activities. Here is a link to her book on Amazon.
Walking through an outdoor labyrinth while moving through grief:
Labyrinths are meandering paths that lead to a central space. These paths are sometimes mowed into the lawns of parks or inlaid into the floors of chapels and basilicas. Labyrinth walks serve multiple purposes. People can walk through them and just introspect or pray about their lives or they can ask a specific question and walk around the space seeking the answer as they walk and contemplate. Oftentimes this is a prayerful journey and it is said by some that in the center you are in a 'sacred space'. In this video, I share the reflections I had after the process of walking through an outdoor labyrinth. The narrative is a bit poetic.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for reading and viewing the videos. It honors me deeply! <3
I also have a paper document of the research I performed for this capstone, if anyone wants to know more of the background of the a/r/tography method or the other expressive art and spiritual methods listed here, please connect with me or respond below.
I love comments as it helps me to understand what people liked, what people didn't like etc. Please connect and share! :) <3
Also, if you want to help me along the journey of creating the book of memories I am writing for my Grandma Mary who recently passed away, please check out and share this link: https://www.gofundme.com/abookforgrandmamary
Today I spent more time writing and I realized that it is what I am most called to do, but it took a lot of mending to find the way to this life dream.
I had to get past my insecurities, my doubts, my fears of inadequacy. I had to blow past my longing to have the right story and the excuses that other things in life seemed to demand of me and therefore surely they mattered more. I had to get past my own desire to be something very special among the world of other writers and to bringing something very meaningful to light...and I just had to write and write and write. I had to let go and let it flow and know that everything would be ok. I had to dream within a dream with the embracing belief that if only I followed my heart I would be ok.
Now the life dream is flowing through my writing so elegantly and eloquently, as if the messages were always there waiting for me to prepare my heart for the soul baring journey. Funny how it seems that we are perpetually afraid and then suddenly the fear all falls away and we are pure and whole and clean. Sad though in a way that it takes a great deal of 'falling away' of the pains of wanting and needing something to come forth.
It feels too that Grandma was preparing me for her passing by encouraging me to write letters to her that I would bring and leave with her each time I went away. She had this deep spirited way of knowing just what to encourage in me. For me it took my Grandma leaving me to see that without her I had to capture something very meaningful indeed if I were to carry on in her stead.
I used to know so deeply and purely the importance of writing when I was young and stuck with so much wanting to come forth from my own heart. Somehow I was getting stopped up by my miserable head telling me that I was not going to fulfill that most important segment of the life journey through writing. I told myself a plethora of terrible things about myself and my incapacity to succeed. I am so grateful and honored that now it is happening finally and the fear and doubt and lack of time or purposefulness has all fallen away. Alleluia for the dawning of a brand new day! :)
Quick update on writing progress:
Both yesterday and today I worked on the book about my Grandma Mary and I got soo far! I now have 23 pages of writing, which equates to 15782 words in two days!!!
I also found that I am working to heal many empty and hollow and potent things that needed healing within my being along the way as well.
Later in this blog I will share some excerpts from the book, but first I wanted to share some things that helped me to heal through grief recently in case it also helps you.
Let people in:
I know this sounds tough and contrary to what we are told about sharing our emotions, but for me at least it has helped a lot to write to people about the process of working through grief, especially friends and family on social media. When I reach out to people with an earnest and heartfelt need and they are able to come back with something beautiful to share in exchange it completes me. I know that this won't work for just anyone and there is a lot of vulnerability in reaching out because it might bring back energetic responses you weren't expecting, but honestly it has been so worth it for me.
I have learned through this process of reaching out that people are rooting for me and that my success matters to more than just my own heart. People are hoping that through this shroud of grief there is a hopeful new beginning in it for me. It seems to help others to see that I am trying to carry on in the ways that I am intuitively drawn because it creates linkages for others who are seeking to find ways to move through their own agonizing grief. I feel that if I can carry the torch it might symbolize the hope that someone else can carry their own torch in lighting the path back to life.
Let it flow and trust cathartic moments:
Wow, our emotions can be so potent and so preciously vulnerable. Yet, for these very reasons, grief can be very hard to swallow. It can be so potent and powerful to allow them the time and space to unfold in the ways that they wish and it can bring us such great blessings. I tend to fight my emotions, not wanting to open those floodgates for fear that I will be caught in a perpetual veil of unending tears. I am so grateful that somehow my body and mind would not allow me to ignore those tears any longer.
I was growing sick the other day and I was not able to discern what was making me feel that way. I realized suddenly when I went out into the cold yard and wandered around alone trying to find peace from those emotions, that I was suffering grief over missing Grandma. Yet, I was ignoring and holding back that needed release because I told myself I needed to be strong to get through the next challenges of life without her. Then, after standing in the glistening snow something tender came upon me, a single tear over this loss turned into a torrential flood of sorrow. I cried like a lone wolf howling as I clung to the Linden tree outside for comfort. It was such a blessing and afterwards I felt lighter, sleepier and less anxious overall. What a blessing to have trusted that emotional outflow without fearing it!
Talk to the dead and sense their witnessing/responding:
While I was crying by the tree, I realized I was talking to Grandma and telling her all that was grieving me. I told her that I was missing her and that I wasn't sure of even the next step to take and I was lost along the way and stuck in my confusion over what to do next. It was so nice to feel that she was near enough to witness and hear me. I also was able to let go of the fear that I was drowning her in tears and to see that wherever she was, she comfortably and safely could witness me without it hurting her or taking her away from her heaven. This act of conversing with her was such a blessing and if you can find a way to do this through a letter or blog post, piece of art or heartfelt conversation, I definitely recommend it.
Ok here is an unedited excerpt from the book:
The other day
we went for a drive and walk to a local park beside the lake. I brought a kite along. It
was a cheap plastic kite with a ‘Barbie’ symbol printed in it’s face and I
barely got it in the air up in the prairie, but I felt guided by an intuitive feeling to walk along a
barely visible narrow foot path that appeared in the high grasses until I was standing
among the tall leafy reeds which were dancing in the wind. There, the kite took off almost immediately and I
felt like I was playing with Grandma again as a child.
It was almost as if
she was the kite and I was on the other end and her playful energy was back
with me again dancing in the breeze…it reminded me of memories of us in the
blustery winds together wild, free and barefoot playing hide and seek among
the pine trees of her house when she was younger. she knew so much about how to make merry
and have fun. I miss that about her so much…she lost that gift some during her later years
even though I tried to bring it back to her in vain, life pains and aging
indignities chased away that light gradually until her whole life energy was with
God….and it makes me sad that I wasn’t better and bringing her into joy, but I
myself am, or so it seems, a forlorn individual by nature. Yet, this kite play
was just like being with her and I felt like she was with me on my journey out
there at the park.
It felt so
utterly joyful because I heard somewhere that those who die stay with their
loved ones and wrap them in an embrace.There are books people write after a near death experiences wherein they document that they are able to go and travel to see their loved ones carrying out
life tasks as if they were above them witnessing them like angels. It comforted me to think
that I was showing Grandma my life, acting as her personal tour guide. When I saw that
smiling face of “Barbie” on the kite and the long streamers hanging down I felt
like such a giddy child imagining her helping me to find joy again like she
always did when I was young. I took the kite to the old metal bridge that
stands over the river water to feed the lake and there the wind really took
the kite sailing and I stood giddy beyond words over the experience.It felt like the whole entirety of the
adventure was short-lived and the walk hard on me since I had taken to sitting
quite a bit during the end days of my Grandma’s life and my physical well being dwindled.I didn’t realize how much I looked to her and
modeled my life around hers in her later days and I now feel this terrible void in her passing.
In case you are moved by what you read, here is the crowdfunding link for the book I am writing: A book for Grandma Mary
Dear readers, supporters and fans! Thank you:
The process of kicking off this crowdfunding site has been so utterly honoring. I realized through the process of making the video and the crowdfunding site that there is so much I have yet to learn and so many angels surrounding me to help make sure that this happens!
People have encouraged me to bare my heart, to share my strength and truth and to carry onward toward the life of my dreams. I have been reminded that grief is a journey and that we don't find our way through in one giant leap, we find our way through each and every heart hiccupping moment. I have been given beautiful permission to cry and to reach out to my Grandma in this state of grief. I have been honored with the suggestion that I settle in and surrender my needs with the faith that they will be taken care of while I am grieving. I needed to hear each and every one of these things! Thank you for each of your heartfelt embraces! Here is a spring flower for you, in gratitude! I think we could all use a bit of spring can't we?
Spring flower of gratitude for my readers:
Free Writing Healing Activity:
I said I would share my grief journey and the ways I work to stay sane and on an even keel. Today as I start writing the book, I wanted to share with you a writing method that I sometimes use when I don't know where to begin. It is a very self soothing activity and very freeing. It is called 'free writing' and it can be a very good healing tool. Here is how it works:
Set yourself up with the most ideal working condition you can provide for yourself. Set the mood in special ways that you find soothing. Depending on your mood this might involve:
getting super comfy
lighting candles
lighting incense
spritzing the air with your favorite scented spray
setting a nice drink or snack nearby
wrap yourself in a nice coat, blanket or something comfy
turning off distractions like TV or internet pages that are demanding
Open your writing pad or word processing tool open, fresh and ready to go.
Once you are comfortable with the space, take a small scrap of paper, or notepad page and set write out an intention about the time you are going to spend writing. Setting an intention means choosing what you want to accomplish. Sometimes an intention can be as simple as 'I intend to soul search' or 'I intend to pour out my emotions'. It can also be as complex as 'I intend to search for clues about the meaning of life'
Now set aside the intention and forget it. Try to truly suspend all judgment of yourself from hereon and literally write whatever comes to mind moment to moment. The right things will come if you let them and if you get stuck admit that in the writing.
Warm up to the writing process if you were rambling to a very willing and compassionate friend or kindred spirit there to witness your every thought, feeling and need.
If you find you are rambling, ranting, writing nonsense or repeated words this is ok. Stick with it.
Eventually you will rant, trip up and ramble your way through what is often an early frenetic and fussy phase.
Eventually if you give yourself time often your heart will open up. Once this happens, allow your thoughts, opinions, feelings and emotions to flow earnestly and without boundary of expectation. If it suits you to write rhyming poetry, lists of things to remember or free flowing writing..it is all good. Trust that whatever comes is meant to emerge during this time and in this space.
This is your time to be 'free' to share and express and emote whatever you need.
When you finish, sit with what you wrote and reread it empathetically and without judging. What does it say about you and your journey?
Return to your original intention and see how your writing answered this original desire.
Are there unexpected things that were revealed in this process?
Sift through the work and find the gems and jewels, the beauty and the agony. If you want to part this work out into segments that feed other projects you have going you can pick it apart if this feels right. Otherwise, just keep it as is...a documentation of who you truly are today in this very moment.
Appreciate yourself for giving your spirit this open, free and unjudging space to reflect and create.
I hope that this activity is a blessing to you today! I will share the results of some of my free writing about the book, in the next post! Thank you for witnessing and blessing me along this journey!
