The heart will show the way

Today I spent more time writing and I realized that it is what I am most called to do, but it took a lot of mending to find the way to this life dream.

I had to get past my insecurities, my doubts, my fears of inadequacy. I had to blow past my longing to have the right story and the excuses that other things in life seemed to demand of me and therefore surely they mattered more. I had to get past my own desire to be something very special among the world of other writers and to bringing something very meaningful to light...and I just had to write and write and write. I had to let go and let it flow and know that everything would be ok. I had to dream within a dream with the embracing belief that if only I followed my heart I would be ok.

Now the life dream is flowing through my writing so elegantly and eloquently, as if the messages were always there waiting for me to prepare my heart for the soul baring journey.  Funny how it seems that we are perpetually afraid and then suddenly the fear all falls away and we are pure and whole and clean. Sad though in a way that it takes a great deal of 'falling away' of the pains of wanting and needing something to come forth.

It feels too that Grandma was preparing me for her passing by encouraging me to write letters to her that I would bring and leave with her each time I went away. She had this deep spirited way of knowing just what to encourage in me. For me it took my Grandma leaving me to see that without her I had to capture something very meaningful indeed if I were to carry on in her stead.

I used to know so deeply and purely the importance of writing when I was young and stuck with so much wanting to come forth from my own heart.  Somehow I was getting stopped up by my miserable head telling me that I was not going to fulfill that most important segment of the life journey through writing. I told myself a plethora of terrible things about myself and my incapacity to succeed. I am so grateful and honored that now it is happening finally and the fear and doubt and lack of time or purposefulness has all fallen away. Alleluia for the dawning of a brand new day! :)